The Algebra of Love

This is based on a true story, no word of a lie; okay so my dialogue wasn’t as cool but that’s why they call it artistic license! Read on dear ‘avid’ reader…

The names in this story have been altered to protect the innocent (it’s also a funny way of looking at the situation and otherwise the title would make no sense either)… and I always wanted to be Mr X; okay I get close…



Teacher Y sees student X in the corridor, “X is there any chance that I could have a word with you?”

“Certainly Mr Y” replies student X.

Teacher Y, who thinks himself trendy and cool with the students (don’t all art teachers think that) ushers student X into an empty classroom.

“There seems to be some… friction in my form class, X… I was wondering if you knew anything about it?” Student X is in the year above Teacher Y’s form class but is friends with a number of students in the form.

“Well… there has been a little bit of a… how shall I put this… matters of the heart…”

“Go on” says Teacher Y.

“Just to keep things anonymous…” Teacher Y nods in agreement.

“Well… it seems that A likes B and A asked B out. However, after A and Bs date it seems that B didn’t like A as much as A liked B… with me so far?” Teacher Y nods in an uncertain matter.

X carries on regardless, “so where A really likes B but B isn’t so keen on A this unfortunately means that B tells A “let’s just be friends”. These things happen and in the best of all possible worlds this is how the story ends… well how it should end with A and B going their separate ways, still remaining life-long friends and onwards and upwards to greater and better things!”

“This isn’t what happened though I guess?” interjected Teacher Y.

“No. A is a really popular lad, don’t get me wrong; so is B as well, except she’s a girl. A’s friends however, in particular C; think there must be something wrong with B for not liking A as much as they do… I don’t think C likes A in the way that A wanted B to like her or for that matter wants A to like her; C that is in the way A likes B…” X pauses looking at Teacher Y to see if he is keeping up.

“Okay…” replies Teacher Y in a non-committed sort of way.

Student X smiles in a patronising way (thinks to himself that these old people(Y is probably only in his early thirties) really have no idea)) and continues, “so C tells D,E,F,G,H and probably I and J as well that B must like Qs if she doesn’t like B. The alphabet being what it is; soon D,E,F,G,H and probably I and J have told K, L, M,N, O and P that B really likes Qs!”

Teacher Y opens his mouth to say something and thinks better of it.

“Eventually the rest of the alphabet gets to hear that B likes Q’s and is n fact a Q herself… alas C had decided to state her suspicions using that wonderful community notice board; the a back of a seat on the school bus… if the normal randomness of the universe was to be as it should be, this would not be an issue.” X pauses for dramatic effect; while Teacher Y begins to wonder, “I should have left somnambulistic canines in repose.”

Student X takes a breath, “I do wonder how many buses the bus company have and why they saw fit to use the same bus again for the school run! And so synchronicity rears its ugly head and on Monday don’t we find ourselves travelling home on the same vehicle as C saw fit to scribble her opinions on Bs character failings. You know what happens next don’t you Mr Y?”

“…err… B saw fit to sit where C had chosen to graffiti on public property?”

“Didn’t she just! So B pours her heart out to Z and perhaps to W and U and V… ‘lo and behold the entire alphabet are talking to each other and some of them are taking sides while the most are just slapping their foreheads in frustration” X summarizes.

Teacher Y ponders, screwing up his face and counting his fingers as bullet points. “So what you are saying is…”

X shakes his head, “You teach Maths (Math for our Yankee friends) as well…”

Teacher Y nods.

X shakes his head again,” If A+B = A x B this will equal 1! However if A+B is <A x B this means A feels < 1. If you + C who thinks A = 1 therefore C thinks B < 1 where B is happy as 1 but C / D,E,F, et cetera means B thinks she is < 1 and possibly closer to 0. Then you factor in B < 1 x Z / W,U,V, et cetera and you have A-Z= ∞! Got that?”

“…err…” replied Y.

“So what your question really is… is should you do anything about it? Yes?”

“…err…” Y nods.

“Nope” replies X.

The End


We won’t mention the fact that X wrote something rude about the headmaster on the very same vehicle…okay??

~ by ftfagos on February 14, 2011.

4 Responses to “The Algebra of Love”

  1. *scratches head… …er… is about all I can say right now!!!!

  2. Maths was one of my favourite subjects at school but I used to get it mixed up with sex education……I always got lost at 6 + 9. Teacher kept saying it was 15 but to mean it was 69…..LOL

    Nice blog

  3. […] Followed by The Algebra of love, I’m a sucker for a little silliness… […]

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