What’s the point?

Well, dear Avid reader…?

If you’ve spotted the category I have listed this under you already know what’s to come. But, you…yes YOU, have a decision to make.

Funny, life is sometimes… this story, like so many developed a life of it’s own. The story started pretty much from the title and as you will know by now has a central character who has pretty much gone through his life with little concern for the consequences of his actions. He hasn’t been completely cavalier about his behaviour but (and I created him so I should know) his ‘carefulness’ has been more about self-preservation that for those he might hurt.

I don’t really like Pete. If I met him, I would probably enjoy his company but like so many of us, if I knew the whole truth and nothing but the truth…

It was an effort to make him likable and yet despicable. Not sure I quite managed it. I guess it depends on how a person feels about mysogynistic, selfish, almost sociopathic characters who can’t keep their dicks in their pants. I did mean to put the word ‘sociopathic’ in the story somewhere but I failed.

The initial premise of course was to give him an almost unattainable Object of Desire. The other part that is inspired by the French film with Gerard Depardieu, ‘Toi Belle Pour Moi’ (Too Beautiful for me) was the idea that he married the beautiful, stylish ‘mistress’ and ends up having an affiar with his ‘wife’. Of course as I said… some of my stories develop a mind of their own. So, we arrive at  a second film, ‘Brazil’ directed by Terry Gilliam and starring Bobby De Niro as a plumber (? add smiley here) but the quote I mention in a few minutes isn’t from this film. It does (Brazil) have one of my favourite quotes where the hero having killed the heroine, at least on paper as far as the dystopian government thinks, informs her that she is dead. She replies “Care for a little necrophilia then?” You gotta smile.

So, life being funny, wasn’t ‘Brazil’ on last night. And it definitely has a point of no return and if you know about it you have a choice while watching the film.

You, dear Avid reader, if you’re still here(?) (I am rambling on a bit) have a choice. You have reached the Point of No Return.

You don’t have to read anymore, the story is complete. Like life the future is an unknown quantity and perhaps always stories should leave something for the reader to hope for, to believe. Then again?

Maybe I ought to add a poll to see if any of you take my advice? (If I knew how to do it!!!) I would be very interested in any comments though.

Well, my friends, I hope, as always you have enjoyed the story.

FtF

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The Point of No Return….Pt Thirteen

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I stepped up close and took her hands in mine looking deep into her eyes.

“I love you.” I told her, the words rising from my soul without concious thought.

****

The Ginger lady stands beside me on the wooden table. The seal freshly broken and now over half empty and yet all I feel is numb. What was it that Emily said about a word or phrase turning the world? Three little words! Words that lots of people yearn to hear, words that should open up brave new worlds, words that should make you happy! Words that can destroy your soul!

The way Mari’s face changed will haunt me to the day I die. I look at the bottle of cheap whiskey and wonder is one bottle enough to kill you with. It’s not as if I’m going back into the house anytime soon. I can see Elena and the kids in the lounge, insulated behind the closed patio doors to the cold reality outside. I look up through to the sky from beneath the Gazebo. Small, almost luminescent, clouds skitter across the sky and yet there isn’t a breath of wind down here on Terra Firma. There isn’t a breath of wind within my heart.

“It’s a lie” she said simply as her gaze dropped to the floor along with her hands slipping from mine to hang at her sides.

Except for those early times with Elena I have never been slow to respond. This time I was in total shock, my brain had shut down. I don’t know how many times I opened and closed my mouth standing there like a goddamned stupid Goldfish. A tear ran down Mari’s cheek and she stepped back and sat on the bed. The bed where I was meant to be ‘making love’ to Mari! Those three little words had come out unbidden and true. I loved her! Now of course my mind was beginning to doubt itself and her movement had fired up all the confused synapses within.

It felt like the Pinball machines I used to play at university with Elena’s chin rested upon my shoulder, her hand that wasn’t holding a glass or a bottle around my waist, thumb hooked in behind my belt. The image flashed up inside my head briefly of her getting bored and her fingernail catching my zipper and pushing it downwards. Whether deliberately or not those games always ended fairly quickly.

This Pinball machine in my head was stuck on ‘Tilt’! It shuddered and reverberated as so many thoughts vied to be spoken. Eventually I blurted out like a small child it wasn’t a lie. Mari looked up at me and shook her head. I stumbled forward and knelt at her feet grabbing her hands tightly. She winced but didn’t pull her hands away, tears running faster down her face to land upon the chest I had wanted to kiss and touch only moments before. I managed to slacken my grip but still held her hands and repeated it isn’t a lie.

“You’re whole life is a lie, Pete… it always has been… you just don’t know it…”

I can’t remember the order of the conversation now even though it only happened last night, even though I haven’t slept since. I look into the bright lounge where my wife once again picks up the phone and pushes the ‘fast-dial’ button. I look down at my phone, turned off and useless, as once again she fails to reach me. I see her leaving a message that I don’t want to hear. She looks worried but quickly smiles as our daughter looks up from the floor.

I know I pleaded with Mari. I told her it was true, when I had said before that I only ever loved two people and I thought it was enough I had meant every word. I had suspected/known back then I loved her. Mari and Elena! I tried to be rational, telling her it wasn’t a line. We were already headed for bed; I didn’t need to say it to get into her knickers! It wasn’t a post-coital obligation brought on my chemicals flooding my brain. I had never said it to anyone except for her and Elena.

She kept shaking her head, a whispered word escaping beyond my ability to hear. I got angry and stood up, striding around the room. Her tears flowed harder and I collapsed back to my heels my head rubbing her knees. I looked up at her as I realised my own tears had begun to flow. I pleaded once again; I hadn’t cried tears of sadness for decades. The last time I had cried had been my Father’s funeral; did none of it mean anything to her? I even told her that I could change and last night I believed it to be true but then again I believed lots of things to be true last night.

I unscrewed the cap of the whiskey once again and took a mouth-burning taste. I really didn’t like the stuff but it had been the strongest alcohol in the house when I had arrived home a few hours earlier. Elena had been out on one of the many errands necessary to raise children. It had started to darken before she had arrived back and if she had looked up the garden then she would have seen me sitting beneath the Gazebo drinking from the bottle. Now unless she turned on the floodlight she couldn’t possibly see me. I placed the bottle back on the table knocking the glass I had brought out and not used. It shifted and pushed the small packet that lay beside it.

Guilt washed over me as I remembered telling Mari that I would willingly leave Elena and the kids. Honestly, I’m sure I didn’t mean it but Mari was… was impossible. She had whispered once again, so quietly I still couldn’t hear her words. “What? Why? Tell me! I had pleaded over and over again.

I don’t know how long it took but my head collapsed a final time into her lap and I whispered “Why?” once more.

‘Why?’ Such an innocent sounding word and now one which I wished I didn’t know.

Mari told me why and she was right. My life was a lie.

The bottle was getting empty and the night was getting cold. Elena had disappeared upstairs with our daughter to put her to bed. I picked up the small innocent looking plastic packet and turned it one way and then the other watching the light from the house try to push through it, through the tiny ‘popped’ pockets within it.

Shock had set into me once again as slowly Mari began to tell me why. How at first she thought she was mistaken and had ignored the facts she knew. She told me that first night when she had met me she had sought me out she just wanted to meet me, her course of action still undecided. It was not enough to act on a suspicion alone especially as there were kids involved. She saw how I had acted with Angela and had wondered would she be telling me something I already knew, was I part of an ‘open’ marriage. She had decided to hold her tongue.

Then the day when she had been walking the dog and saw the two of us fucking with abandon within the woods. She watched and wondered if her life dedicated to her career had been worth it. She knew it had been but she still felt that so much had passed her by. It was only at the New Year’s party that her suspicions rose to the front of her mind once again. The simplest rules for a modern science!

If I thought I’d been stunned before I didn’t know the meaning of the word!

A point of no return? Without a doubt! Of course in some ways the point had been that first time I met Mari but it could also be considered so much earlier as well.

I lifted the bottle back to my lips and took another gulp, rolling the smouldering liquid around my mouth. A small cut on my lips stung as the whiskey washed against it. I looked in through the window to see my son hunched forward on the sofa, the remote control in his hand, the electric blue light of the television picking out his features. He kept glancing towards the door and I figured he was a lot farther down the channels than he was allowed. I tried to focus on my watch till I saw that it was coming close to ten o’clock. “Not a chance” I slurred as I realised the soft porn didn’t come on for another hour at least.

She told me that she had thought of coming ‘clean’ the first time we had coffee together at the little cafe. As she said it had been a beautiful day and we had gotten on so well that she never found the right time. by the fourth meeting she had decided to leave things alone. What was the good in the truth if it brought only sorrow. I couldn’t help but think of the De Niro quote, ‘What is the point of wisdom if it brings no profit to the wise?’ She had grown even fonder of me and had also begun to fantasise and had often thought of taking our friendship to the next level. The day she watched and masturbated in the woods had decided her.

And then I said those three little words. She had realised that for all the fantasies she couldn’t live a lie.

When Mari had said that my life was a lie I hadn’t understood. It wasn’t the serial infidelity she had been talking about. The secret hid behind brown eyes. My children have got brown eyes. Just like their father. Just like Doc’s. It seems to be almost impossible for two blue eyed parents to have brown eyed children. Of course the final twist of the knife Mari had found out at the end of February. She had been using the Doc’s computer and she found herself sliding the cursor over to his patient files. She had called up my file and had stared at it for at least twenty minutes before she opened it. She had almost missed it as she glanced at the list of various tests I’d had down the years. She had to check twice when she saw that I had only ever had one fertility test, or at least one that the results had come back for. The very first one before I had the vasectomy.

I was sterile. No apparent motility detected.

She walked out of the hotel room soon after. I don’t remember driving home this afternoon but I do remember searching our bedroom looking for some evidence that what Mari had said wasn’t true. I didn’t find it but when I lifted the small tray within Elena’s jewellery box I found the small plastic packet of birth control pills.

Now here I am close to finishing the bottle, sitting beneath the Gazebo watching the world I thought I knew. Elena returns to the lounge and ‘my’ son tries to not look guilty as she once again picks up the phone and presses the speed dial button.

This is definitely a point of no return.

How can I return now?

 

The End

~ by ftfagos on October 13, 2011.

4 Responses to “What’s the point?”

  1. As always… your words never fail!

    xx

  2. You know I think this was brilliantly written.

  3. Thank you very much for your words. I know it’s a strange thing but I hope I brought a tear to your eyes.

    FtF

    xx

  4. Yup. Still a romantic. But oh soooo not cynical. I loved the ending at the end of Part XII… but this ending…. well… well… left my jaw hanging and now really wanting to say pretty pretty please one more????

    W.

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