Chaos Theory!

Chaos theory: – the study of the behavior of dynamic systems that are highly sensitive to initial conditions, an effect which is popularly referred to as the butterfly effect. Small differences in initial conditions yield widely diverging outcomes for chaotic systems, rendering long-term prediction impossible in general. This happens even though the future behavior of these systems can be fully determined by their initial conditions, with no random elements involved. In other words, the deterministic nature of these systems does not make them predictable. This behavior is known as deterministic chaos, or simply chaos.


I’m standing beside a misnamed (or so I’ve been told) sculpture in the middle of the chaos that is almost seven billion souls on this planet waiting for just one of them. It isn’t the first time I’ve met her but I’ll be the first to admit I played it safe on that initial encounter. Not sure why, the chaperone I brought along insured a neutrality to the meeting but this time I’ve left my safety net behind.

Butterflies hop in and out of my stomach. Strange that I am so nervous about someone who I have ‘intimate’ knowledge off. I’m aware of each and every breath I take as I scan the crowd for her approach. It’s not the best place to meet; partly because it is such a popular meeting place and partly because the statue stands atop a fairly wide pedestal with a bunch of circular steps leading up to it so there is always a chance that the person you seek is sitting on the blind side. Still it’s a warm day and watching the residents and tourists of this metropolis pass by is pleasant enough.

For once the transport system functioned adequately so I arrived ten minutes early, I look up at the pixellated advertising hoardings high above the street and see that there is still a couple of minutes till the appointed time. I circumnavigate the statue once again and stand with my back against the wall of the adjacent hotel, left foot up as I shake a cigarette from the pack. I smile to myself hoping that she’ll ascend the hill behind me and walk past so I can take a moment to appreciate that glorious ass of hers. I inhale deeply on the ‘cancer-stick’ remembering past conversations.

The smile remains on my lips as I feel my cock stir within my jeans, a small shake of my head at the simple pleasures a grown man’s genitalia can take from the firing of a couple of much travelled synapses. A taxi rolls past, fumes billowing from its exhaust and for a few moments the strong flavour of the cigarette seems almost healthier than breathing the city’s vapours. The taxi pulls up to the kerb and a dark haired female figure steps out, leaning into the driver’s window to pay the fare. Definitely a glorious ass and I drop my foot to the floor before I realise this isn’t the object of my hopes. She could be, but she isn’t, not today at least.

Looking up at the advertising hoarding once again I see that it is the appointed time as I take a final drag on the cigarette and walk towards the sculpture once again via a waste bin where I conscientiously stub out the butt. I’m smiling again to myself as I realise I seem to always walk around objects with them on my right, an eccentric habit I’ve never noticed before. “Hey trouble!” a voice from behind me and the butterflies once again put in a brief appearance within my digestive system.

I turn to see that smile. A smile that (once upon a time) I hadn’t seen and yet seemed to be able to inspire those synapses I mentioned. She used to do that a lot in the long term as well as the short. Dark nights in front of glowing screens, two people half a world away and yet somehow inside each other’s heads. We embrace and briefly kiss, lips grazing softly across one another.

Chaos Theory! As far as I can make out chaos theory is a contradiction. It seems to me that it states that there is no such thing as chaos just the appearance of chaos. If you had all the information in the world everything is predictable. It’s just that to have all the information in the world you would in effect be the world.

I’ve got a theory. There are times when perhaps the moon is right, you’re bio-rhythms are up, the toast doesn’t land butter-side down and you have a spring in your step. Those are the times when you should place large amounts of money on long shots and dodge through traffic. It’s probably that you’re mind is working in harmony on both conscious and sub-conscious levels and everything just seems to go right and when it goes wrong you realise that wrong was in fact right and right just wasn’t quite right enough. Of course, hopefully, those are the days or nights when the true Prime Directive of the human condition is uppermost in your mind.

You want to dance!

You walk into a crowded room and catch a glance within the crowd that if you’re really lucky is the glance of someone else who also wants to dance.

Chaos Theory be damned!

You don’t know why you do what you do but you do it all the same. Flying blindfolded and operating on instinct. The turn of a head, the light touch (even though it seems electric) of fingertips on wrist, the crack of a smile, maybe even blinking at just the right nano-second all seem to achieve a harmony leading you forwards in the dance. Even if by the dawn’s early light you find yourself alone you know that it was never meant to be and that’s just fine. All is still right with the world and you walk through the deserted streets with a smile on your face.

Today isn’t one of those days!

The reason is simple. My conscious mind is over-riding my sub-conscious mind. Harry was almost right. He was wrong that Men and Women can never be friends but he was right that sex is always out there… or in here (tapping my temple). What he failed to point out is that once they become friends (at least in my case) the rules change and if I’m being honest and I guess I am today, you become less true to your soul. Not a bad thing in the larger scheme of things when you consider just how complicated things could get.

So back to today. And that smile! That mouth, those lips that I long to kiss with more than friendship in mind but knowing that if I was to that very friendship could be placed in jeopardy. I guess that in that very statement is the measure of friendship. There are quite a few of my female friends that I think about, wonder, fantasise and as far as I’m concerned I can deal quite easily with it, a touch of compartmentalisation (damn that’s a long word). The way I am wired, an acceptance of what I am and occasionally more trouble for the objects of my desire and wants than it is ever for me. Some, I guess, find it difficult to be attractive.

As I said earlier, the difference today is the virtual intimacy we have shared even though from it our friendship grew. Ex-lovers strangely are easier to handle, maybe because my desires have actually been sated and the potential difference removed. But, today the capacitance is charged and with the conflict within those instinctual movements, glances and blinks are so much more obvious to my conscious mind. ‘What if…’ rears its curious head.

A very pleasant couple of hours are spent together. Even the frustration I feel is quite exquisite let alone the very pleasant company. Wondering what goes on within her head, if she feels some of the same turmoil and if my fingers were to linger just a little longer on the dark flesh of her wrist would the outcome change. If the tip of my tongue was to glance across her lips as we kiss goodbye what would she do?

Would she ignore it?

Would she pull away?

Would she respond with mutual desire?

Even though I have tried to de-bunk Chaos Theory via instinct I find myself at the end loving every sub-atomic twist.

Maybe one day, maybe next time because all our actions have consequences and the depression of the ‘ENTER’ button now has so much more power.

I’m smiling broadly here because one thing I do know is even if it never happens I still have that friendship and for all of it that potential difference I spoke of, that increasing charge of capacitance is a wonderful thing. Is this what they mean by the Butterfly Effect?

I wouldn’t miss that Pinball Smile for all the Higgs Boson Particles in the universe!

And there is always the Dance!

~ by ftfagos on March 13, 2012.

One Response to “Chaos Theory!”

  1. Hmmmmm…

    Sometimes I think you are a sorcerer! You have a way of articulating every thought (naughty ones too), fantasy, even desire…

    Chaos Theory indeed!


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